I am depressed
Not that this is a surprising thing for me this time of year.
This however, is different.
I am not depressed because of the weather.
OK so I am a little depressed because of the weather, will it ever be sunny for more than a day or two at a time?
No my depression stems from the extreme frustration that seems to have seeped it's way into my life lately. Frustration that stems from all of the decisions that have to be made
For instance, I am having some health problems lately. I have an ovary that is not behaving itself. It should have been removed last year when I had my last "procedure" but alas it was not. So now I have to decide if and when that will be removed. Not only that but I need to make a life altering decision about weather it is best to remove everything else related to the baby growing process as well. Yes I do mean the dreaded Hysterectomy. I am leaning toward not. This is a big decision and I don't want to have to revisit this issue in a year again.
Then there is the issue of Lou Lou.
Her behavior is getting very difficult to deal with. I have been in tears twice in the last twelve hours because of a certain behavior that she has decided to revisit. I am trying to find a Child Psychiatrist that will take patients without Medicaid and will also take our insurance. This is more difficult than it sounds. Something must be done though.
She is getting very defiant, and more difficult to handle than usual. So now I need to find a doctor that will prescribe her something to keep her calm, so that we can actually take care of her. I do not like drugging my child. I have to do that enough with her sister.
Speaking of The Bug,
we finally got her school placement changed. We have been working with the school district since November. It is now mid March and we have finally been granted what we asked for all those months ago. She will be placed in a Learning Center classroom as of next week. However the school that we are transferring her to is a year round school, and her new class goes off track as of next Monday. So now we have to wait another two weeks to put her where she belongs and can get the most help. I have to decide if we are keeping her in her current class for the next two weeks or just letting her go off track when the new class does. This is the easiest decision of them all right now. I do however want to make sure that we are doing the right thing in changing her school placement in the first place. This means not only a new class, and a new group of kids, but an entirely different school with an entirely different schedule. It also means a change from Mom taking her to school, to being bussed. The good thing about it is that she will be in the same school with the kids from our neighborhood. She will not be in the same class with any of them though.
I do not do well with decisions lately. I have a hard time choosing what I am going to wear every day. I just don't trust myself with the big stuff anymore for some reason. It is making me want to crawl back into bed and just sleep for the rest of the year, and its only March! I cannot seem to get past my weight issue either. I know most people look at me and don't have much sympathy. I am not fat, but I feel like I am. I weigh more now than I did when I gave birth to my girls. I do not feel good. I try to do things that will help, but I have a tendency to eat when I am stressed out, and I AM STRESSED OUT! I think I ate all day yesterday. Then I was more depressed because I can't seem to control my eating.
It just makes me want to cry.
It's such a vicious circle.
I have no time for other people or their problems, not because I am so busy, but because I can't seem to care. I have so many things on my own mind that it is like there is not room for anything else. I feel badly because I have friends that I know could use a shoulder to cry on right now, but I just can't bring myself to think of anything else. I have a hard time putting into words exactly how much stress this is causing in my life.
I know this is depressing post, please forgive me if I have ruined your day.
I just need to get it out sometimes.