Memories, good and bad.

Iwas at work today and standing around talking to a friend of mine who works with me. Somehow we got onto the subject of my kids, and she asked me why my girls were born so early. I hadn't realized that she didn't know the story, I mean good grief I thought that I had told the story to EVERYONE! So I started telling her about my labor pains and about having a placental abruption. I was talking about driving to the hospital at 2 in the morning and getting the urge to push about half way there. I told her about how when they asked me how far along I was I would always say I am not quite 26 weeks. I repeated the phrase I love to repeat because it was so shocking "You are dilated to a ten you are having your babies tonight". All of the sudden all of those memories came flooding back to me. That was by far one of the scariest nights of my life. I was only 24 years old, I had never had my birthing class. I was just under 26 weeks of what should have been at least a 35 week pregnancy (twins are always early so they just aim for about 35 weeks). It was the middle of the night, and by the time I got to the hospital it was too late to do anything but deliver. I don't think I have ever been so terrified. Occasionally over the last 10 years I have been inside a NICU to see another baby. I always walk out in a sort of shocked state. I just cant hear the noises that come with that kind of place without having flashbacks. I started to remember that I didn't hear my girls cry for the first time until they were 7 weeks old. I didn't get to hold either of them until they were a week old. I remember the first time they set Lou in my arms and I couldn't even move because she was hooked up to so many wires and tubes that if I moved an alarm would inevitably go off. We weren't even allowed to hold Bug until she was two weeks old because she had chest tubes. I guess what I am trying to say is that I truly do love my children and I am so lucky they are even alive. I am lucky I am alive because I guess it isn't rare for moms to die when that happens. So I guess here is what started me on the road to becoming a "Holland Mom".