Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Just tell me why...

There are times in my life when my faith really waivers. They are not in the big moments in my life, but in the times that seem to last for days when in fact they are only just moments. Sometimes I just don't understand why it has to be this hard! I have been changing diapers for 11 years now. Anyone who says that having a "celestial child" is always a blessing has obviously never had to change a diaper on a pre-pubescent. There are times when I just can't stand the thought of one more "blow out", or one more nose bleed, caused by the finger buried up to the knuckle inside the nose. When I am kneeling on the floor with the spot cleaner trying in vain to clean the poop out of the carpet, or kneeling over my child trying to keep her from blowing blood all over the place, she doesn't seem very celestial to me. I know it isn't her fault, I know I am not being punished, but sometimes it is hard to remember that. I do frequently feel like I am being punished for something that I did in my past. I do feel like if she has enough control to eat, or walk up the stairs she should have enough control to keep her fingers out of her nose or out of her diaper. There are those out there that have said to me, "if you just tell her no enough she will eventually catch on" well... if you think that is all it takes... YOU TRY IT! I don't think it is fair to tell people that they are special people because they have been given a special needs child. Our Heavenly Father feels the same about all his children he doesn't feel that I am any more special than anyone else, so why did he feel that I am good enough to deal with this kind of stress on a daily basis. Sometimes I just need to know why!

6 comments:

Crazy? Who's Crazy? said...

Oh, Sarah, I wish I could take away some of your pain. I have had a view of it since sneaking in your house when the girls were born. I have a saying I hang in my bedroom "When the world gives you lemons, it's because he knows you make the best lemonaide." Try to keep on smiling. I don't know why you were "blessed" with this, but I know you and S can make it through. And there are a lot of us out there who care about the four of you. <3

M-Cat said...

I had no idea, you deal with this challenge. I have nothing to offer except hang in there, answers will come. Sometime.
H n H!!

The Boob Nazi said...

NO. My favorite is when people say, "My friend knows a friend's handicapped brother whose patriarchal blessing says he was super righteous in Heaven, so Heavenly Father blessed him on earth so he wouldn't be tempted." I'm just like, WHAT????? HF wanted to give a super righteous person a disability because he was righteous???? If someone were so righteous, he would be able to withstand it without the disability. (I just ranted about this on my disabled friend's blog because it makes me want to scream BUUUULLLLSSSSS*******T at the top of my lungs.) If you met MY handicapped brother, you would not believe he was blessed with his brain tumor, which caused his handicap, because he was so blessed. He is tempted. He is bitter.
asuhd jka dfkgh asdjfh aklsdfkjasd

But you are awesome. And maybe they mean you are special because you've gone through this without resorting to alcohol or drugs? Goodness only knows that I'd be tempted to do that then. :)

Sher said...

Obviously, I have no idea what you are going through, but I do have to say, from my perspective, you are doing an amazing job, and you seem to have eternal patience. It's obvious to me how much you love your girls.
I'm here anytime you need to vent or cry, and just get out.

p.s. the blog looks great!!

Fiauna said...

Oh, the tears . . . the tears. Can I come give you a hug? I don't know why I missed this post when you first wrote it, but I'm glad I just read it now. I get how you feel. You are so not alone on this one.

ZiggyandFamily said...

Sarah, you are an angel in the making. Every day is a challenge in some way. Someone once told me that no matter how many children we have or what their difficulties, we have to endure what it takes to make us become better people, so we can return to Heavenly Father. Some days seem easier than others and some seem to never end. May the Lord give you the strength to see these challenges to the end. I love you.

 
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