There are times in my life when my faith really waivers. They are not in the big moments in my life, but in the times that seem to last for days when in fact they are only just moments. Sometimes I just don't understand why it has to be this hard! I have been changing diapers for 11 years now. Anyone who says that having a "celestial child" is always a blessing has obviously never had to change a diaper on a pre-pubescent. There are times when I just can't stand the thought of one more "blow out", or one more nose bleed, caused by the finger buried up to the knuckle inside the nose. When I am kneeling on the floor with the spot cleaner trying in vain to clean the poop out of the carpet, or kneeling over my child trying to keep her from blowing blood all over the place, she doesn't seem very celestial to me. I know it isn't her fault, I know I am not being punished, but sometimes it is hard to remember that. I do frequently feel like I am being punished for something that I did in my past. I do feel like if she has enough control to eat, or walk up the stairs she should have enough control to keep her fingers out of her nose or out of her diaper. There are those out there that have said to me, "if you just tell her no enough she will eventually catch on" well... if you think that is all it takes... YOU TRY IT! I don't think it is fair to tell people that they are special people because they have been given a special needs child. Our Heavenly Father feels the same about all his children he doesn't feel that I am any more special than anyone else, so why did he feel that I am good enough to deal with this kind of stress on a daily basis. Sometimes I just need to know why!