Monday, April 5, 2010

What Might Have Been

I have 4 friends/relatives that will be having or have had babies within the month. I get to go and hold these little darlings occasionally. Holding a perfect little new born is a cheerful thing to do. Most of the time. Sometimes it sparks a little bit of sadness in me. I didn't have perfect little new born babies. I had fetuses. For those of you who don't know I have twin girls that were born 14 weeks premature. The were under two pounds each. I didn't hear my newborns cry until they were seven weeks old. They had scars on their body from the first moments of birth. I has never been easy for me to be a parent. Not that it is for anyone, but I have never had one of those blissful moments when all seems right with the world. I have always had worry.
Will they ever be able to breath on their own?
Will they be able to see they way they should?
Will they be able to eat normally?
Will they be able to sit up?
Will they ever walk?
Will they ever talk?
After a while it switched to...
Will she ever be able to feed herself?
Will she ever be able to get dressed?
Will she every be able to tell me she loves me?
Will she be like everyone else?
Will everyone treat her the way she deserves to be treated?
I know all parents ask themselves these things. I know they all worry. But at some point I have had to give up on the dream. Sure there are a lot of things both of my girls can do that I never thought they would. We no longer have to spoon feed, or worry about falling down stairs. We do however worry about how the world will treat people who are so vastly different.
I look at new born babies, and pray fervently for their parents that they will never have to go through the heartache of having to give up what might have been. I pray that my children never know how much it hurts to give up the dream of a perfect little baby. I pray that they don't realize that with giving up that dream, my life had been altered but, not always for the worse.
I do however hope they realize that my life has been better because of them. That I wouldn't change a thing to make it different for myself. I would change it for them, not because there is something wrong with them, but because there is something wrong with the way the rest of the world sees them.
I hope they never have to ask themselves,
What if?
or What might have been?
I hope they can appreciate themselves for who they are.

Beautiful daughters of God!


The Boob Nazi said...

I can't even imagine what that was like. Wow, less than 2 pounds?

Sher said...

I absolutely adore your girls.
And you are an absolute amazing Mama.
This was beautifully written. I think you should send this in, or write a post about it and send it in to post on MMB.

M-Cat said...

I think this might be my most favorite post you've ever done.

Your girls WILL know they are prized daughters of God, because every damn day YOU are teaching them.

Well done Sarah!

Fiauna said...

You successfully made me cry. But that's not a bad thing. I just feel for you--and with you. I, too, wouldn't change a thing for me. But for her . . .

Jillene said...

You totally just made me cry. What a beautiful post Sarah. You are an AMAZING mom and your girls are beautiful!!

Teacher Teacher! said...

I love Lou's smirk. I can hear her giggle through the picture. Love love love the Bug's haircut. It's so cute! I adore your girls with all my heart......and you're kind of a cool friend too ;)

The Campbell's said...

Sarah, those 2 pics of the girls are priceless. You are doing such a tremendous job with both of them. I miss you all!!! Keep up the awesome work.

Rachelle said...

That's why YOU are their mother, YOU are amazing!!

Jo said...

They are beautiful and miraculous. I finally stopped worrying about my oldest when she hit about 31 weeks. Then I could breathe again.

ZiggyandFamily said...

Sarah, do you know what a precious gift this talent of your is of being able to express your feelings so poetically!!!!! I love your beautiful daughters of God! They will have more of an influence for good on the rest of the world than we will ever know. Fantastic work mom!!! Thank you for sharing with the rest of us.
By-the-way, love the hair cut and the giggle!!

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